I'm bored of not being what I say

Stillstand too rushes when it takes a place inside my body, do you know that feeling of a fast silence?

Air vibrates as a refrigerator when you sleep at a friend's place and glass of ice cold water wants you to approach and understand that sound at approximately 3:30AM. I know factually, in these moments that it cannot be that my breath's is twice as fast as it was just mere seconds ago, I know how it still fills my lung and everything bodily reacts like normal times are upon us. They are not, they are rushing, and tearing from the inside out my brain into a lumpy concept best described as finding knots deep in your unstraight hair, in the back where you never bother to brush anyway. I am to believe this is some sort of trick played by my consciousness, I try to explain, and they cannot grasp the order of these words in a line to a sentence. there is no way to paint or draw this to make them understand how scared I am when those first moments of fastness announce themselves, summoned simply by the brief thought of this experience, it behaves like that game which you lose when it is mentioned (ig you lost now...)

Lay on the floor, it has a vibration like hundreds of mice running. I put a blanket over my head, every rustle of the fabric is like bolts into my ear... until I forget. I forget time after an hour maybe (I mean in outside time, for me it feels like two) then it is bearable, this speeding wheel. 

How powerful are my thoughts? Is the balancing act to slow down time manually, chewing at least twenty times, sorting books alphabetically, cutting paper into small segments, origami, even reading is fast now, I wonder if this is what being on speed feels like ??????? 

Meditating, being bored, I want to be able to be bored for a whole day, under-stimulated by all. The experiment of being in a room for 24hours. with nothing. 

I say so much I don't do which allows for my whole being to be untrusting towards anything anyone says. Me primarily. if you don't take everything you want to accomplish ( your dreams ) serious what will make you try it?

Manual goal list:

- table construction with for unfading drawings. (only brother and mother left) 

- eat three meals a day

- find another job

- be at University every weekday

- write down ALL ideas

- read into contexts of post-colonial times regarding Mozambique 

- have a 5 month plan

- not lie to myself or others

- be more humble

- finish a book 

- reply to all emails

- Sunday as silence day, visit the cemetery 

I did all I needed to be where I wanted to be, but I'm past that point now and I feel so lost...